and here it is: number 10 of piper;s "don't waste your cancer" points.  for those of you just catching up, i was given this article by john piper to read in december 2007, and it took me until june 2008 to read, study, think, reflect, and pray through all 10 points presented therein, substituting primary immunodeficiency (PIDD) for cancer, as the points are still applicable.  feel free to read back in my blog for the previous 9. and, without further ado, the culmination:

10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

We were created to reflect the breath-taking gloriousness of our Creator.  But watching someone suffer (or doing so yourself) is not exactly glorious; it is oftentimes grotesque.  But I have watched some people suffer and it is truly a glorious thing to behold because they are screaming out with their lives the answer to the ultimate question: is He worth it? In the midst of intense pain, their words and actions assure me – and all they come in contact with – that the answer is yes.  This last point is a culmination of the preceding nine.  Acknowledging God’s Sovereignty; embracing your cross; drawing comfort from God and not from your odds; cherishing Christ; focusing on Christ and not on your circumstances; investing in others with renewed love and manifest affection; hanging on to the hope that comes from Christ alone; and viewing/dealing with sin different are all ways in which we glorify Christ through our suffering.  Paul came to that understanding and set the example for us in Philippians 1: “Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.  As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of my brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly…I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death…Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.” (v. 12-14; 20; 27) While Paul’s words reverberate like a battle cry deep within my soul, I will confess that this is sometimes hard for me.  Using my CVID as a means of witnessing to the truth and glory of Christ means that I must tell my story and let people know about what has happened/is happening to me.  And quite frankly I’m not always comfortable with that.  In fact, I was e-mailing my softball coach earlier today about this very thing – giving her reasons why I’m uncomfortable letting all of Anderson know about my immunodeficiency.  A part of me doesn't want to say anything to anyone up there about my transplant or immune system defect for a number of reasons. A.) I don't want anyone to treat me any different than they would if they didn't know about it. People are weird about stuff like that. B.) I'd kind of like a fresh start. You know, moving away from home and all. I've been the "sick kid" and the "inspiration" for so long down here with church and school and stuff that it gets kind of annoying after awhile and I'd kind of like to be just another dorky freshman for once. (That's not to say that I don't appreciate all of the prayers and support I've received from everyone down here - I totally do, but sometimes I wish that my health wasn't "a matter of public record" as the Tribune reporter said in that article.) C.) I don't want anyone to think that I'm just using it as an excuse to not work hard or to get out of something (although I'll admit that it is tempting at times). D.) It's kind of embarrassing. I mean, kidneys are gross. As for the immune system thing, I'm a prideful person and it is hard for me to admit my weaknesses. Being chronically ill is a humbling thing, and the more I can hide my imperfections the better. E.) I know that my physical struggles and their resulting experiences have largely shaped my perspective and outlook on things, including why I want to do what I want to do (nursing/Break the Grey), but I don't want to be defined by them because there is more to me than just that.  Ultimately, if I am cherishing Christ then none of the above reasons will matter.  Christ and His glory will be the most important thing to me, regardless of the level of discomfort. So if glorifying God means sharing my story then so be it.  May I not waste my immunodeficiency by making Christ’s glory my primary goal no matter what the cost. 

so there it is. i hope you enjoyed reading my imperfect reflections on so deep a topic.  a few months ago i began posting my responses to these points as a way to get myself back in the habit of posting on xanga, since i decided that i enjoy doing so, mainly because because i enjoy sharing my writing and thoughts and getting feedback (although i have received precious little feedback since i began - ahem). 

since i began posting this material, much has happened, some big life changes have occurred; namely, the moving away to college.  i have been here at anderson university in central indiana, about 3 hours from home, for 3 weeks now, and i must say that i am enjoying myself.  i must also say that i have been challenged immensely since coming here also, more of which i hope to explore in later posts.

for now i have to go study, but i assure you that i have much to say which will hopefully flesh itself out here in the coming weeks and find its way here on xanga.

until then...

hoping. believing. never giving up.

sarah

i'm posting this at 12:43 am.  does that count as thursday (seeing as our previously established days for me to post my thoughts on mr. piper's article would be wednesday)?  o well - here is point 8 of 10:

8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.

Notice that the period in that sentence does not come after the word “grieve.”  Grieving is perfectly acceptable, even healthy.  I have to remind myself from time to time that this is okay; that even our Savior grieved (Isaiah 53:3; John 11:1-37; Matt. 26:36-46).  But He did so with hope and we are to follow His example.  I was reading John 13-16 last night and realized that these familiar chapters of Scripture took place between the last supper (John 13) and Gethsemane (John 18).  As I read Jesus’ words, it hit me that this was his last night with His disciples before the cross, and the words that He spoke must’ve been tainted with immense grief.  I can’t imagine being on the receiving end.  In these emotionally-charged chapters, Jesus tells His disciples, “My children, I will be with you only a little longer.  You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.” (13:33) He tells them that He is the only way to get to where He is going (14:6) and then consoles them with the words of 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  He then goes on to tell them to remain in Him and warns them that they will face suffering after He leaves (chapter 15).  He offers hope when He says, “…Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will be able to take away your joy.” (16:22) That is the hope Jesus left His disciples with and that is the hope with which we grieve.  Like the disciples, we are able to persevere with purpose, passion, hope, and even joy through our grief as we wait to be “restored and made strong, firm, and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)  May I not waste my immunodeficiency by fixing my eyes on the Giver of Hope and not on my hopeless situation.  

hoping. believing. never, ever giving up.

sarah

6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.

When I first read this point about 2 months ago, I dismissed it as inapplicable.  Because not much is known about CVID and there are not many treatment options, not much has been written on it and there is therefore not much to read.  That was my reasoning and I thought I was safe.  But David Powlison says, “What is so for your reading is also true for your conversations with others,” and I believe this point could go so far as our thought life as well.  And this is where I feel convicted.  It is hard for me to not think about CVID.  I undergo treatment once a week and often fall subject to its side effects for 2-3 days at a time.  Since I will be beginning nursing school in the fall (Lord willing), I often find myself thinking of research proposals or projects that might be available to me and the potential they could hold for a cure.  Do I like being obsessed with immunodeficiency? No, not at all.  But because it is such a part of my life, I find it difficult at times to think of much else.  But, should not Christ be such a part of my life that I can think of nothing but Him?  If I am truly cherishing Christ (as discussed with point #5), then my focus will be on Him and Him only, and my time will not be wasted.  May I not waste my immunodeficiency by striving to heed the words of Hebrews 12:2-3: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

hoping. believing. never giving up.

sarah